1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said, "Implants?"
4. I don't do drugs any more. I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign on a Chinese Pet Store... "Buy one dog, get one flea."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK, they know me there.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal?'
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours, and dip-head's.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades.......now THAT'S a message!
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
15. I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. How come we choose from just two people to run for President, and 50 for Miss America?
18. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a urinating section in a swimming pool?
19. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
20. Snowmen fall from Heaven... some assembly required.
21. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words...
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."